I call shenanigans

We Did It!

2007-02-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

Friday the 9th at 3pm, TBG and I stood in front of a judge (and a few of our friends and family)
and promised each other our forevers. No nervousness, no fear, none of the gut-clenching sense of wrongness I had when I married BoyChild's dad. I took my emotional temperature several times throughout the day - just in case - but felt nothing but calm excitement.

After the ceremony, we went with TBG's sis and B-I-L, and my best girlfriend and her husband to a very swank tapas bar on Canyon Road. The food was AMAZING, the two couples (each our own favorite people in the world) got along great. How rare is that? I'm so used to the "my friends think your friends are loud, rude boors, and your friends think my friends are uptight snobs" routine, keeping everybody separated at social gatherings.

Of course, some combination of nerves, not eating right that day, too much unusual food, and ONE pomegranate margarita served to make me sicker than I think I have ever been. By eight that night I was violently ill, and continued with intermittent dances with the porcelain throne all night. Beautiful wedding, horrible wedding night. We decided it's NOT a portent of things to come.

Therapy

2007-01-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself...
for believing that I'm a bad mother
for basing my self-worth on my son's behavior
for thinking I'm not good enough
for not living up to others' expectations
for having anger at my son
for being afraid of judgment
for feeling like a failure
for having had suicidal thoughts
for resenting my situation

Blogging for Choice

2007-01-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

It wasn't a hard choice for me, not really. A horrible time, a horrible place. I can't imagine what it would have been like, to have had that baby then. I was hardly in a position to parent the son I already had, let alone add a new responsibility.

I was living in my best friend's spare room while I waited for my divorce to go through, trying to mother an eighteen-month-old Boychild as best I could. My horrible disaster of a fling (drug-addled, ulcer-ridden alcoholic anyone? anyone? Bueller?) was ending badly. I guess it didn't actually end badly, it just sort of became apparent that the whole thing was a giant nightmare.

Poor choice on top of poor choice, lackadaisical birth control usage, and POOF, I peed on a stick and got a plus sign. Somehow I wasn't even surprised. Didn't this just add insult to injury? Broke, divorced, homeless, jobless, blah blah blah. There wasn't a question of keeping it.

The week before I left town, I visited the local Planned Parenthood. That was a surprise to me: show your face to the camera, push the buzzer, announce your name into the microphone, wait for them to verify your information, then they'll release the door to allow you in. No protesters outside this clinic, at least not when I went. Confirmed the home test, then the bad news. Be prepared for the side effects afterwards; pain, bleeding, no heavy lifting. So taking care of it before moving was right out then. How to explain to my family and friends why I couldn't help move any of the boxes or furniture into the moving truck?

Once I got where I was going and unpacked, I tried again. Called that Planned Parenthood, found out that no clinic or doctor anywhere close would even perform the procedure. Next town over, one doctor at a "Family Practice Clinic" would do that within certain strict parameters (very early term, three-day waiting period (what, was I buying a gun?) etc).

My sister said I talked all through the procedure; the "twilight sleep" they gave me kept me from remembering. I asked the doctor what he was doing every step of the way. I wanted to know everything. He told me that most patients don't want to/can't handle knowing what's going on "down there." I told him I wasn't most patients, and made him give me the play-by-play.

I remember sitting in the passenger seat of the car afterwards, riding back to the house, feeling parched and slightly hung-over. My sister bought me food at some fast-food place to fight the nausea the drugs might cause. I couldn't eat any of it, but sucked down that soda like an elixir. We got home and I held my son, thankful for the life I had.

Reading over this I sound cold. I'm not, I wasn't. I think about it sometimes, do the math, count birthdays. I also count my blessings that this option was available.

150 things

2007-01-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

01. bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. swam with wild dolphins
03. climbed a mountain
04. taken a ferrari for a test drive
05. been inside the great pyramid
06. held a tarantula
07. taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. said “i love you” and meant it
09. hugged a tree
10. bungee jumped
11. visited Paris
12. watched a lightning storm at sea
13. stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. seen the northern lights
15. gone to a huge sports game
16. walked the stairs to the top of the leaning tower of pisa
17. grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. touched an iceberg
19. slept under the stars
20. changed a baby’s diaper
21. taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. watched a meteor shower
23. gotten drunk on champagne
24. given more than you can afford to charity
25. looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. had a food fight
28. bet on a winning horse
29. asked out a stranger
30. had a snowball fight
31. screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. held a lamb
33. seen a total eclipse
34. ridden a roller coaster
35. hit a home run
36. danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. adopted an accent for an entire day
38. actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. had two hard drives for your computer
40. visited all 50 states
41. taken care of someone who was drunk
42. had amazing friends
43. danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. watched whales
45. stolen a sign
46. backpacked in europe
47. taken a road-trip
48. gone rock climbing
49. midnight walk on the beach
50. gone sky diving
51. visited ireland
52. been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. in a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. visited japan
55. milked a cow
56. alphabetized your cds
57. pretended to be a superhero
58. sung karaoke
59. lounged around in bed all day
60. played touch football
61. gone scuba diving
62. kissed in the rain
63. played in the mud
64. played in the rain
65. gone to a drive-in theater
66. visited the great wall of china
67. started a business
68. fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. toured ancient sites
70. taken a martial arts class
71. played d&d for more than 6 hours straight
72. gotten married
73. been in a movie
74. crashed a party
75. gotten divorced
76. gone without food for 5 days
77. made cookies from scratch
78. won first prize in a costume contest
79. ridden a gondola in venice
80. gotten a tattoo
81. rafted the snake river
82. been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. gotten flowers for no reason
84. performed on stage
85. been to las vegas
86. recorded music
87. eaten shark
88. kissed on the first date
89. gone to thailand
90. bought a house
91. been in a combat zone
92. buried one/both of your parents
93. been on a cruise ship
94. spoken more than one language fluently
95. performed in rocky horror
96. raised children
97. followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. passed out cold
99. taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. walked the golden gate bridge
102. sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. had plastic surgery
104. survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. wrote articles for a large publication
106. lost over 100 pounds
107. held someone while they were having a flashback
108. piloted an airplane
109. touched a stingray
110. broken someone’s heart
111. helped an animal give birth
112. won money on a t.v. game show
113. broken a bone
114. gone on an african photo safari
115. had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. ridden a horse
119. had major surgery
120. had a snake as a pet
121. hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
122. slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. visited more foreign countries than u.s. states
124. visited all 7 continents
125. taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. eaten kangaroo meat
127. eaten sushi
128. had your picture in the newspaper
129. changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. gone back to school
131. parasailed
132. touched a cockroach
133. eaten fried green tomatoes
134. read The Iliad
135. selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. skipped all your school reunions
138. communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. been elected to public office
140. written your own computer language
141. thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. built your own PC from parts
144. sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. had a booth at a street fair
146. dyed your hair
147. been a dj
148. shaved your head
149. caused a car accident
150. saved someone’s life

The Wedding

2007-01-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

So what do we do? Elope? Run off to Vegas? City Hall? Niagara Falls?

We keep talking about it, back and forth, neither one of us has any overwhelming preference. Or at least none that we're saying out loud. I'd love some little thing; I'm not sure what that thing should be though. There's a little place between here and Albuquerque that does elopements, Hacienda Dona Andrea, that looks like it would meet my Pretty Pretty Princess needs, without breaking the bank. The idea of a tacky bad-movie wedding in Vegas cracks my shit up, I mean who could resist the allure of this?

City Hall would be easy, or the local courthouse, or wherever it is. That's our quick option. Our get-the-woman-some-insurance option. Not so terribly romantic, but legal. And quick (did I mention the part about it being quick?).

He's...difficult

2007-01-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

My son is a difficult child, I won't deny it. He's hyper, willful, destructive and defiant (sounds like a real peach, no?). He's also smart as a whip, funny, sweet, affectionate and very observant. He's good at finding your buttons and pushing them. The second you raise your voice he knows he's got you. I love him more than anything else and still occasionally want to sell him to the gypsies.

Where am I going with all this? Boychild is in the afterschool program until TBG picks him up around 4:30. The aide who is in charge of his age group also happens to be the instructional aide in his classroom. Boychild is difficult for ME to deal with for 8 hours straight, let alone someone else. She's complained so much about him to her supervisor that we now have a "behavioral contract" and if he gets one more demerit he gets suspended for a week.

TBG was there for the big meeting with the IA and her boss yesterday, and he let the IA have it (Thank Goddess I have a champion) and called her out on some of the crap she's pulled. There's a little form I stole from Mir (wouldashoulda.com) and made my own to find out what the school means when they say Good Day/Bad Day. The IA told TBG that the aftercare program won't use that form: we'll know he's been bad when he gets a demerit. Ummmm, ok. IA's boss says "Oh yes we do fill out forms like that, we do it for several other kids." Hmmmmm, smack of sabotage much? (Yes, I'm paranoid, I admit it)

After the IA left the room, TBG gave the boss a few more pieces of useful information, and she shared the tasty little tidbit that SHE'S had so many problems with the IA that she's talking to the Big Boss about the issues. So maybe we can add our voices to the horde and get the woman canned...

So after a day of feeling defensive of Boychild, and mad at the world, and pulling my MommaBear act, he blows it. I tucked him in last night and found a HUGE hole in his (brand new) top sheet. Then I found seven or eight little ones in his pillowcase. And then one in his (also brand new) comforter. All these months we thought he was doing so well with the safety scissors...so they're gone now, and the ruined sheets are in the trash (comforter will have to be patched, I'm not buying a new one). WTF? TBG gave him a swat (shock, horror, GASP!) and I took away his favorite plushy blanket for a while, since I can't trust him with nice things. Bleh.

Unshopping

2007-01-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

I ran into an article about a group of people in San Francisco, The Compact, who didn't buy anything new the whole year of 2006, and it got me thinking. How much do The Big Guy and I spend without even noticing? Books, lunches out, random stuff for Boychild, you name it...

Then I saw this on a peek inside the fish bowl and with all the money issues we're having right now, I decided to try it. Groceries are exempt, and medical issues, but other than that? NADA. Since TBG's car is already in the shop, we'll have to pay that, but maybe that will be the last big crisis for a while. Maybe I shouldn't jinx myself by saying that.

New Year's Resolution

2007-01-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

I have only one: don't procrastinate.

That encompasses so many things for me, including paying bills on time, returning phone calls, getting things done around the house, work at the office, and so many more I can't list them. Part of it's fear: my financial situation was so bad for so long that I'm still stuck in the ostrich mindset (ignore it an it'll go away). Part of it is pure laziness, I'll admit it.

This is part of my stop procrastinating resolution. I've wanted to set up somewhere to write for a long time now, and the paper journal isn't cutting it. So here goes.